behaved violence after broken up – 覆puzzled she

Hi Zita︰

My first and only boy friend
broke up with me about 4 yrs ago. I was with him for 7 yrs. Because
our families hated each other, we ended up developed an underground
affair for all those yrs. Moreover, I didn't want people to know about
us. So I kept my social circle very small and never shared any of my
relationship problem with my family or friends. Of course, our relationship
didn't work out. I was shocked and out of my mind when he ended the
relationship without giving me a reason. I tried to kill myself in front
of him. He snapped me. Then I still couldn't give up my right of knowing
the reason. So I went to see him after 3 mths and asked for reunion.
Then things got out of control. He got mad and pushed me very hard.
Then every time I stood up and wanted to talk to him, he pushed me away
harder until I couldn't stand up again. He then left me and ran away.
I ended up having bruises all over my body! I went to see doctor and
counselor. They both suggested me to report it to the Police. However,
I didn't as he never behaved violence before we broke up. In fact, I
blamed myself giving him this chance because of I couldn't let go. One
of my friend went to see him and asked him to apologize to me. He rejected
as he said he didn't want to talk to me. Then my friend asked him to
e-mail me. He did but in the e-mail, he also mentioned that my other
friend "bombed" his e-mail account.

Since this event happened, I had a lot of nightmare. So I decided I
should stand up for myself again. Three weeks later, I saw him hand
in hand shopping with some other girl. Knowing this happened quit a
long time ago. I have never had any contact with him. I noticed my behavior
has changed in the following ways:-

1. I
sometimes still have dreams (good and bad) about him, and I will think
of (missing) him. Does it mean that I still love him?

2. I'm
very afraid of running into him. Is this normal? How could I over come
this fear?

3. I'll
lie to every one that I never had a boy friend (I usually don't lie).
In fact, I won't let one more person to know about my ex had maltreated
me before. Is it right for me to lie?

4. Will
this event affecting me to love someone else? I'm still alone since
that happen! I'm very worry that I'll never find someone to replace
him!

I can never openly talked about this with anyone. Thank you very much
for reading my long and boring story.

I look
forward to hear from you.

puzzled she