Dear Zita,

This is the second time I write
to you.

Half year ago, my friend was still my boyfriend. Until he went back
to H.K. last September (after getting his U.S. green card), he visited
the woman he was infatuated about 15 years ago when in his high school
years. After coming back, he insisted on a

tripartite relationship. I
refused and kept on being depressed about the idea. Finally, he went
back to H.K. early last month this year for his guy friend's wedding.

After being there for less than 10 days, he came back but didn't have
the courage to tell me the truth about his feelings. I must ask and
then he admitted that the woman in H.K. is now his girlfriend and he's
leaving me (emotionally).

Didn't see him since the day I picked him up from the LA Airport. Invited
him for dinner last Saturday and he looked sad. Still, he didn't tell
me up front that his girlfriend would arrive last Sunday. By accident,
he replied my e-mail on Sunday night and told me that she will stay
here until two days after his birthday (be here about one week). I was
devastated and confused. The person I have loved for more than six years
just keeps on hiding his feelings and actions.

Before he left to H.K., I believe him that he would make a clear cut
from her (he told me while I was in tears). Now, he's asking me to forgive
him and let him be my friend always. He knows my weak spot, which is
loving him so much. Another weak spot would be that I am always hoping
that he will change his mind one day and ask me back. How silly I could

All these years my friend has no family and just a few friends here.
Because he's working in a city where there is hardly any excitement,
I became very concern about him and made sure he didn't feel the loneliness.
After all, there is about two hours of driving from my house to his.
But because I promised myself to care for him, I have grown to love
him more and be willing to be by his side, emotionally. Marriage was
never a concern to me, as it may seem mundane or ordinary.

To myself, a rewarding relationship is a spiritual matter. That's why
all these years I try to move toward the spiritual aspect while maintaining
the emotional connection with my friend. Little did I know that my friend
was pulling himself away from me, since two years ago he decided and
started his emotional connection with his current girlfriend through
e-mail correspondence.

Now, I'm trying to read books in the effort of rescuing the connection
between us. That seems to be the only way I could become optimistic
and not sink into depression. I do read upon the message that if one
keeps on trying and never gives up (a lot of lovers give up without
the effort), then there's the hope of saving a relationship. How good
is the statistic about keeping a person's heart in a tripartite relationship?
After all, my friend just jumped into a relationship without knowing
his current girlfriend during the years with me. And, she broke his
heart back then by not writing back nor contacting him. Only now, he
starts making money (it's not a small salary working as a Electrical
Engineer in the U.S.) and has his permanent residency here, would she
be crazy about him and even visited him for his
Birthday? What's her motive? It could be love at first sight or that
she's just over thirty years and being desperate......

I couldn't wait to see how bad his relationship with her turns out.
Though such idea is not right, it does become a motivation for me to
find out the faults I made while with him. Some books suggest that if
one is so positive and starts to change toward a better way, such energy
would influence the other partner and become a powerful force. Should
I invest my mentality into such saying?

Right now, I am not bothered by the fact that he's with her day and
night for about a week. After she left, I could talk to him again on
the cell phone he insists me keeping. Soon enough, he may want to see
me from time to time. By then, I should be able to arm myself with positive
thinking and attitude. With such positive outlook, I'm still skeptical
and prepare myself for the worst. Since she moved so fast with action,
I have the feeling that she might press him into a marriage within two
years. The decision is a tough one because he wants to keep his green
card, but she and his family are still in H.K. Unless he's willing to
take full responsibility for her life and provide her everything here,
he will promise her a marriage.

Please give me comments and other perspectives beside my own. I'm trying
to look into the whole matter with other perspectives but it seems very
difficult in doing so.

Thank you in advance for your reply.


Dear Cordie︰